Are we having fun yet?

my dark secret and why we are nothing without consistency

Jun 02, 2024

Hey friends! Happy Sunday! Have you experienced any anxiety over the past week and desired a way to minimise it?

Apologies in advance, this week’s letter may be an immense overshare and feel on a slightly more bleak note. I promise next week to be more upbeat.

Let’s talk about alcohol's impact on anxiety, but we should first start with a little context.

I was a very anxious child, although unlikely to have any clear understanding of what anxiety was. My appearance, friendships, parents, the arrangement of my bedroom, all caused me great concern. I became very acutely aware of my anxiety in my teens and early twenties, especially with meeting new large groups of people and how to form bonds. University being one of the ultimate anxiety-inducing melting pots where I must study, be away from home, make friends, and be fun! So, as a vast majority of us do at university, I would drink.

In my final year of university, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. Absolutely no correlation, I’m sure.

During the pandemic, isolation, increased anxiety, bad dating life, and a desperation to be someone I wasn’t, led to me adding SSRIs to my prescription pad. Then, as the world opened up, I reunited with friends in bars and pubs and would drink again to form connections, strengthen bonds, and convince myself this was fun, and the teary-eyed walks or bed-rotting or full-on crying into my journal the next day were completely worth it because I was having fun!

I met with a therapist about my terrible anxiety and how the medication wasn’t helping. She suggested cutting out alcohol, to my horror. How was I, a twenty five year old living in London, expected to stop drinking when every social gathering, work night out, family function, all involved drinking alcohol. Your twenties are meant to be your fun years, right?!

But I gave in. Sort of. Cutting back on alcohol and my medication was a step I started first. However, it still didn’t free me from the post-alcohol anxiety, even after just 1 or 2 drinks. I remained paranoid about the long-term impact of being on medication.

I knew it all had to go.

Alcohol is marketed to us as a way to unleash a sexier and more confident version of ourselves. In a bar, restaurant, or party, where suddenly a sip of that gin martini or crisp pinot sends us into metamorphosis; we are now the social butterfly we’ve always dreamed of. It echoes of old cigarette ads and how smoking was the cool hot way to make you feel like Jane Birkin.

If you tell someone now “I’ve quit smoking”, you’re met with unequivocal praise, a clear sign you’re prioritising your health. “Congratulations!” You say “I’ve quit drinking”, and there’s still often a wave of confusion. “Oh, but why?” We see the home section in Etsy filled with prints for your mum’s kitchen like “It’s wine o’clock” and think nothing of it. The whole appeal of Dry January for some is that it’s not a permanent change. Just one month, you get through it, and then on February 1st, it’s celebratory drinks at your local bar or pub.

I know that not all of us experience alcohol-induced anxiety, but I also know I am not an island. Our stressors go far beyond “what did I say last night?” as we are consumed with the state of the world; political, economical, environmental. But alcohol-induced anxiety holds a stronger clasp on us that we realise. We’ve given it its own name. Hangxiety is not solely reserved for the morning after and can plague our minds for weeks after we’ve drank. Top it off with the bad diet, doom-scrolling, or lack of movement and it’s a new cocktail of sadness. Even just cutting back could offer us some respite from any negative thoughts that were lingering below the surface.

Whilst this substack may feel sponsored by sobriety, I have to share a dark secret. My anxiety has not gone, nor will it ever in my opinion. If the anxiety existed as that tween who’s never touched alcohol, I know it will always be there. I now actively manage it in different ways. I still get the proverbial lump in my throat when I enter a room with a large group of people, or lie awake at night concerned about my progression in life and think to myself I’m not doing good enough.

Me leaving any social gathering once the anxiety hits

Since I am no longer on any kind of beta blocker or SSRI, they both went out the window when I cut out alcohol (not literally), I’ve sought out healthy pharmaceutical-free methods.

My two pillars have stood strong as exercise and communication. Putting one foot in front of the other 10,000 times has cleared my head, rather than taking a pill that numbed me. I realise moving my body with weightlifting or Pilates gives me a sense of achievement and manageable goals. There’s a community where no alcohol is present and everyone is choosing in that exact same moment to prioritise their mental and physical wellbeing.

I often felt I had tape across my mouth when it came to sharing my feelings, either because I didn’t understand why I felt the world was closing in, or I just feared any hurt or anger once the words came out. Communication with therapists, family, friends, and my boyfriend has alleviated so much self-doubt and internal fears. I could identify the triggers during times when I was at my most anxious. Sometimes it was the obvious environment; a global pandemic, sometimes it sneaked up on me; a toxic friendship. I joined virtual meet-ups with Sober Girl Society so I could connect with other twenty-somethings who were either sober or sober-curious. I did my intensive NLP hypnotherapy course with Chris Meaden, a process which forced my to open up and succumb to being raw and exposed as I revealed every bad memory which triggered me. Now I try to practice better communication daily.

Breaking free of our anxiety feels like a stark comparison to Myth of Sisyphus but learning it’s a part of me which can be managed has given me some peace. One of my favourite shows, and ironically one of the shows I always turned to when I was most depressed, Bojack Horseman, gave me a mantra to repeat the necessary steps and focus on what I can control. You just have to be consistent.

Over the past two years, I’ve given more value to my time with things I enjoy, not filling it with things I’d want to be seen doing. In turn, this has helped develop organic and genuine connections, where we bond over shared values or common ground, not a shared bottle of wine. Letting go of trying to be someone I’m not in order to be seen as fun has allowed for personal growth and, finally, less anxiety.

Thank you for reading Only One Not Drinking . This post is public so feel free to share it.

What‘s been playing 🎶

Les Fleurs by Minnie Riperton: add this to your morning coffee soundtrack.

Really Good, Actually by Monica Heisey: a book I’ve enjoyed so much I’ve ran out of Spotify audiobook minutes and need to revert back to my Audible library. It details a woman’s post-breakup recovery as a soon-to-be divorcée in her twenties. I also found out the author was a writer for Schitt’s Creek which may explain why I like it so much.

What I’ve been wearing 🛍️

A lesson for myself; wear more fun outfits and take the photos as evidence. I did enjoy wearing my Ganni loafers (although still breaking them in a year later). These are also the most comfortable low rise baggy jeans by Abercrombie.

What products I’m loving 🧖🏼‍♀️

A giant f*cking water cup: not a Stanley as that price doesn’t sit right with me, but has the same intended result, I am drinking SO much more water.
Bulk Vanilla sugar-free syrup: I’ve been using this every morning in my coffee as well as mixing with PB2 peanut butter powder or in brownie batter (see pic below).
MONDAY Haircare: honestly purchased this on a whim and been very pleased with the result. A nice price too.

What’s been cooking 👩🏼‍🍳

Combined efforts once again with my partner as we are trying to find a balance between meeting a certain protein intake per day while also not restricting ourselves… not always easy as I have the biggest sweet tooth:

Prawns and white fish in a basil, lemon and tomato sauce (had to make it again and added more chilli and asparagus)
Protein peanut butter/cookie dough bowl
Beyond Meat bolognese with pasta and ricotta
Protein waffles with homemade cherry jam, strawberries and cream
Protein brownies with white Reese’s peanut butter cups - the entire tray lasted less than 24 hours
Kimchi pancake with sriracha mayo and black sesame seeds

Want any of these recipes? Let me know and I’ll start writing out more of our favourite high protein recipes where we also reduce the sugar!

Only One Not Drinking