Never have a bad first date again
How we can date without a drink and without judgement
Hey friends! Would you like to go on a first date without alcohol? The Sophie from 3 years ago would’ve cowered in fear of this.
I spoke to a friend of mine this week about those first few dates and how alcohol can speed up the development of that relationship. You feel less anxious, more confident, so you’re more likely to have that first kiss sooner.
This got me thinking about how we can date without alcohol, and what effect it will have on those first few dates if you remain sober the entire time. My first date with my partner was paired with pizza and beer, I didn’t get drunk - but I definitely needed a couple drinks to calm my nerves (plus, he’d already seen me incredibly drunk a few days prior).
Typically in the UK, and across a lot of the world, dating features alcohol. Either you’re going to a bar for cocktails, or dinner with wine, or a picnic with prosecco. It can feel unavoidable, and in some cases, essential to make us feel flirty and confident.
But it can also give us a blurred recollection of how good the date was the next day, or convince us we fancy them a lot more with “beer goggles” than when we see them in the very cold and sober light of day. We can have regrets the next morning from oversharing or spilling our drink on them. Or, even worse, we have anxiety over not remembering every detail of the night and panic that we’ve screwed up our chances for a second date.
Without the alcohol, we are unavoidably ourselves, finding our feet with a new person, but get the clarity of knowing exactly how we behaved, and how we truly felt about them. You notice any longing looks. The electricity when they touch your arm. How they make you laugh or how captivated they seem by your stories. Without alcohol you become more present and aware.
Disclaimer: For my anxious girlies out there, I know a glass of wine or vodka soda when we’re getting ready for the date can calm your nerves, and I’m not the sober police, I simply suggest finding a setting where you can spend time with this new person without the alcohol and see what effect it has. Call it a social experiment.
Another question I think we can battle with internally is “how do we tell the person we’re dating that we don’t drink?” It shouldn’t be a big deal, but in my experience, if it’s not for religious reasons or an addiction, people can’t always make sense of it.
My advice is to first gauge how much you want to share. Simply saying you’re sober-curious or cutting back on alcohol is fine. Saying you’ve quit completely for better health is also fine. A telling characteristic will be if they respond by encouraging you to drink or take offence that you aren’t up for getting drunk with them… GTFO.
So what should a sober first date look like? I made the decision to quit drinking about 6 months into my relationship and I’ll celebrate 2 years on the 22nd May, so (knock on wood) I won’t have a teetotal first date, just plenty more alcohol-free date nights ahead of me.
Here are some of my preferred date night ideas:
The understated coffee shop date
I feel like 90s and 00s TV, people would go for a coffee date. In You’ve Got Mail, she ordered tea, he ordered a decaf, nonfat mochaccino. In Gilmore Girls S1, Lorelai and Max first meet up for coffee after her business class. But somewhere along the way, the expectations for a first date have soared, and coffee just doesn’t cut it. Coffee dates and brunch have been reserved for friends. I strongly disagree. I am a coffee date advocate.
Dating is a walk in the park
During COVID times, our only option for dating was a walk in our local park. Now I think it needs a comeback. Find a great hiking spot, go for a bike ride in your favourite park, and pair it with the Lululemon or Gymshark fits we’re trapped into spending £100 on. You get the views, the conversation, and your 10k steps in, all without a painfully large bar bill.
Find your artistic side
Get your hands dirty and test out a painting or pottery class together, or grab tickets to a gallery or exhibition. Living in cities like London or NYC, we can have a cultural smorgasbord on our doorstep, often ranging from completely free to less than £20 (equivalent to a single cocktail at that fancy bar you were originally going to go to). It’s great for first date jitters as the focus isn’t solely on you and you have new conversation starters (go beyond just “what do you do for work”, “do you have brothers or sisters”, “how long have you lived here”). To me, it’s also preferable to a cinema date where you sit next to each other in silence for 2 hours (apart from those few whispered comments).
Let’s play ball
If art isn’t your thing but you’re still looking for that much-needed ice breaker, try activities or, if you’re brave enough, sports. A game of mini-golf, tennis, or bowling gives you a focal point outside of being sat across from each other at a table. You can either impress them with your skill, or embrace your poor performance and provide comedic relief.
Finding the right type of date where your perception of them or the way you present yourself won’t be tainted by alcohol, in my opinion, is the best way to set yourself up for a good first date. If you find you two are incompatible, then at least you won’t lose the next day to a hangover or wincing as you check your bank balance.
In other news, I spoke with an up and coming alcohol-free wine company called Miue about what a non-alc wine should look and taste like as well as our individual experiences being sober twenty-somethings. I encourage you to check them out!
What‘s been playing 🎶
My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh: a book which has received so much attention and praise. I started it this week so I have not yet finished the book, but it immediately sucked me in with the matter-of-fact way she describes the downward spiral. So far, it reminds me of How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell, one of my favourite memoirs.
Billie Eilish’s new album Hit Me Hard and Soft: normally this is where I say how much I’ve been loving a song, artist or album, but… I was a little underwhelmed by this. What do you think??
What I’ve been wearing 🛍️
me:
My three reasons for leaving the house this week; gym, getting groceries, and going to a gig. These Abercrombie curve love flared jeans are great for anyone who struggles with getting jeans to fit your butt and waist. My heart lies solely with Alphalete leggings as they truly fit the best IMO.
me in another life:
What products I’m loving 🧖🏼♀️
Hot honey: my new favourite condiment (?) that’s going in everything. Favourite combo so far has been with ricotta and some focaccia.
Redken All Soft Duo shampoo & conditioner: hair healing journey essential.
Sol de Janeiro Cheirosa '40 Perfume Mist: my preferred summery fragrance during the day.
What’s been cooking 👩🏼🍳
Toasted focaccia with ricotta, pickled onions and hot honey (pickled onion recipe here)
Frittata with broccoli, chives and feta (recipe here - modified slightly)
Shrimp and roasted corn salad (recipe here)
Cheese and cherry tomato focaccia (focaccia recipe here)
This Sunday I’ve tried to be productive. A 2 hour workout (30 mins of this spent watching SATC while incline walking), went to a local Urban Village Fete for music and food, never-ending laundry, and ending the day by finally seeing Challengers.
I hope you have a great week ahead! Just remember, it’s okay if you’re the only one not drinking.
See you next Sunday!
Sophie