reminder: it's lot scarier to go alone

A candid chat about sobriety, UK drinking culture, and unexpected surprises

Hey lovelies! Happy sober Sunday. A different change of pace this week - and a GIANT apology for not getting this to you last week so definitely sit down with a cup of coffee as this is a longggg one.

I’m interviewing my partner about sobriety. I wanted to give him the spotlight on his own experience with cutting back with alcohol, his thoughts on UK drinking culture, and advice he’d give to others. Jerome was truly my best support system when I decided to quit drinking, my biggest cheerleader with each milestone I hit, and my best friend with trying new hobbies or navigating the changes. I talk a lot about being alcohol-free but I wanted to give him his time to shine. (Also if you’re just here for the food, keep scrolling as there’s a lot of cooking I want to share with you!)

S: How do you think my sobriety has impacted our relationship?

J: I think it allowed you to be yourself and be less anxious about being yourself. It definitely improved our relationship because it allowed me to see who you are as a person for real. I saw potential that I believe was hidden between all this mess, not necessarily just the drinking itself, but the attitude that comes with it. The problems we had when you were drinking were gone, so I could see more of the real you.

Transparency is very important in a relationship. You need to be able to be yourself, show your partner who you are, and hopefully that partner is not scared to see who you really are.

It feels like removing the veil before you kiss the bride. It's like, "Oh, okay, now I see you. For real, I see what you are, who you are, what you're made of." Overall, it was a very positive change.

S: What was your biggest struggle when you wanted me to quit and I was failing to do so?

J: (long and intense pause) It's a difficult one to answer because I always said, I'm not going to tell you to quit. I never did. I was like, "You should find ways to make it work. Reduce it until you get to a point where it's manageable."

You reduced it, then reduced it again, then realised that it wasn't about how often it happens, but the quantity that you were drinking every time created problems. I don't know if you remember this Matthew Perry interview where he was talking about being in control of the first drink only, and then after that, he cannot stop…I believe that this is what's happening to a lot of people…myself included.

Deep inside, I thought the best idea for us would be to quit, but I didn't want to be the person to tell you that you have to quit.

For me, it was frustrating to see the wasted potential, really, to be like, "I know you could do so much better. I know you could be such a cool person, such a great friend, such a great partner, but…" It was like self-sabotage.

As you had continuously done it, I was really scared. I was thinking this is part of you, and part of your “code”. It's going to be something very difficult to change. And I didn't really believe that you'd do it, to be honest…it took some time for me to fully trust you, as you’ve promised to do better for 6 months but never did. After everything that happened, I was very pleasantly surprised when you managed to get control over that.

I remember every single time that we celebrated a little bit of progress. I remember the first week, the first month. I remember the 200 days. I remember every time we sat down and had a stupid virgin colada. I remember every single picture I took of those days. I'm trying to make this matter more than the darker days and the bad memories.

S: What was something unexpected you learned about me or yourself through my sobriety journey?

J: (smiles and laughs) The good surprise…. I would say that it's a lot easier than I thought! I feel like the way we use alcohol is so linked to anxiety for most of us. Not to say all, but when we stop, the automatic response from our brain is like, "Oh, but you're going to be anxious. I don't like that. You're making a change. You're going to be so anxious. I don’t like change." And then you're like, "Let me actually see what's on the other side of that anxiety." And then you do it once, and you're like, "You know what? Actually, I don't give a damn." It gets better with time, but it's a lot easier than I thought.

Stopping alcohol is easier than being consistent with the gym, going to bed early, or getting up early. It's literally easier than all of that. But to know it, you need to go through it and learn.

People think it's going to be this really hard thing, and it's going to be impossible to do, right? That you won't be able to keep your friends and you won't be able to have fun. That people will look at you like you're weird. But, they'll be drunk anyway. They won't even pay attention to you in that way. They will be with you and have fun. But that was my biggest surprise for me. It was like, "Oh, it's a lot easier than I thought."

What's funny is if people are like, "I don't want to quit because I'll be seen as boring, and none of my friends drink," do you think that's a good reason? "I don't want to quit because people will see me as boring."

When sober, we're exactly the same people, but we're more present. We're having fun." And if you decide to quit and your friends don't want to hang out with you, then that's all you need to know about these people.

To give you an example, I realised that it was a lot easier for me to be a morning person. And I realised that I actually was a morning person. Because even if it's one or two drinks with dinner that puts you to bed, to send you off to sleep, those would always disrupt my sleep.

I would now listen to my body a bit more. And if I'm out around 1 a.m. and feel tired, I'll think "Maybe it's time for me to call that Uber and just go home." It's prioritising your body. You’ve got to stop thinking "I need to stay out because I don't want to be the first one to go home."

I realised that I was really able to naturally create and maintain a healthier routine for my body.

S: What do you think are the most effective ways to support a partner who is choosing sobriety?

J: The best things you can do if your partner is to find out why they want to sober, and to never, ever make them feel bad about their sobriety. Be supportive instead.

Most people use alcohol to get rid of anxiety, right? This anxious state can be very difficult, sometimes. It seems linked to how people will perceive you and how much fear there is in your own head because of that. This old fear of not being socially accepted. I know this was a major pain point for both of us. This was our why.

So knowing exactly what are the pain points of your partner in regards to alcohol consumption, what challenges, how, and why that person was using alcohol…this is the key.

If your partner decides to slow down on alcohol or be sober, I think you should 100% follow that if you're serious about the relationship.

My advice would be to listen a lot, communicate a lot, in fact over-communicate, and try to understand why your partner is doing it. And if you see that your partner is doing great, feels better, looks better, etc, it's probably a good sign. So maybe you should apply that to your own life.

S: What do you think is important to know when navigating a newly-sober partner to celebrate and make the sobriety into a positive thing? Especially when you are finding a new routine and dealing with quitting.

J: I feel like it's a mix of both. I would say yes, celebrate. If that's your thing, you should absolutely do it. Every day counts. It doesn't matter if you're just an average-ass drinker who just doesn't like to feel pressured into it. Or if you're on the AA program and you're getting your 12th chip. Every day matters. Every day counts.

On the other side, new activities? Yes! You’ll be gaining health, better sleep, therefore, more energy. You now have time to do more activities. If you can try that on your own, that's good. This also allows you to meet new people, etc.

Trying new things is key to happiness in many ways, but having that kind of “second breath” feels amazing. Look at me: I’m in my mid-thirties like, "Yeah, let's pick a new music instrument, or let's try Judo. Let's wake up early and try tennis and all that stuff." I knew I would have never been able to do that if we were still drinking as much as we used to before.

So yes, celebrate with your friends and family every chance you get if that's your thing, but celebrating could be by doing activities you’ve never tried before.

S: What advice would you give to someone who wants their partner to quit drinking?

J: I would say, look at yourself first. Expecting your partner to make such a drastic change, to follow specific rules if you don't follow them yourself is a little hypocritical. Lead by being an example.

People shouldn't look at alcohol like, "Okay, if I don't drink now, then what should I do?" You shouldn’t focus on what you’re losing from this situation.

Quitting alcohol literally unlocked three hours in the morning for me, for every single day of my life. Almost every person I know starts their day around 8/9-ish. For me, the days now start around 6am, because I just have that much energy. So look at yourself in the mirror, show your partner the benefits, and inspire them to follow you on this adventure.

S: As someone not born and raised in the UK but has lived in London for almost 11 years, what is your perception of UK drinking culture?

J: (laughs and sighs) Err…. I'll say it is by far the most horrible and disgusting approach that I have ever seen to “socialising”. People pretend that they use it to break the ice, but I think that's probably just the first drink. After that, everything becomes a problem.

I lived in Dalston for years…. Do you know how many Ubers I’ve seen stop in the middle of the road, a girl coming out of the car, vomiting, and then getting back in the car?? Do you know how many times I've seen people fighting in bars because they were drunk??? Do you know how many times I've seen people misbehaving, being a threat to others or to themselves but tell me on Slack the next day "Sorry, I was drunk, I don’t remember" and then everybody just forgets about it?????

Every office I ever worked at always has one of those stories. “During the last summer party, XX did this to YY, right in front of us.” It's like nothing happened. In the UK, nobody wants to have these tough conversations especially when drinking with colleagues, and I just think it's crazy.

What seriously worries me is that by not talking about those incidents, people allow things getting worse and worse over time. Today, being inappropriate to others when drinking has become more and more normalised. I can’t tell you how many times I saw colleagues, male or female put themselves in horrible situations…yet they’ll do the same “drink, vomit, rinse, repeat” thing next “thirsty Thursday”.

S: How does this differ from your upbringing in France?

J: (exhales) People drink here for the wrong reasons and it’s like they go out to cause trouble or do the wrong things. I've never been on a night out with my colleagues where we had drinks, and there was not a single person that didn't go too far. And by “going too far”, I mean acting weird around women. Or women acting weird around men. Or people getting sick. Because when you're sick, people have to take care of you. You become a liability. You can't get to the Uber. No Uber will take you. So I have to take care of that.

I can only speak about London, so I don't know about other regions, but from what I've seen, I would never feel 100% safe here. I'm always thinking there's always going to be one person who cannot handle themselves. And that could mean anything. That could mean being a risk to others…. That could mean putting others at risk…. The drinking culture in the UK is the most violent thing I've ever seen in my life - it's very paradoxical, but it's completely normalised.

If I've learned anything in the 11 years of going out to London, I would say that it took me a while to understand. But if you're part of that, "Let's go out and get drunk" culture, you're just lying to yourself. You're just not honest with yourself. You're just not aligned with who you are and who you want to be.

I'm not trying to say that French culture is perfect, but we don't drink like to get pissed like that. We don't drink to be annoy people. In French culture, if you're that guy who we’ve gone out with, and you act like that even just once, you're losing all your friends. People don't call you. They're going to be like, “dude, you're horrible. That's it. We don't want to hang out with you.” That ends right there.

(laughs) But at the same time…. it's European. We're very upfront. We say things straight up to your face because it's probably best that way.

S: How do you feel at events when you are the only one not drinking?

J: (laughs) Okay let me give my advice to all my anxious people out there: Take your time. That's what it takes for people to relax. Give them, let’s say, 30 minutes.

Half an hour later, that's it. The anxiety’s gone! People have had a few drinks, they’re having fun, and they won’t even notice that you’re holding a glass of diet Coke, or a Lucky Saint, zero-percent whatever, they will not care. Trust me.

But do not avoid people completely unless, obviously, they're being inappropriate. Still be yourself, still engage with people, go have fun. They will remember the night (maybe), you'll remember the night, you can have a good time with them, it's 100% fine. Just do not avoid contact unless there is something that should not be happening. And if someone is crossing the boundaries, say it to their face. “You are right now, crossing my boundaries, so I'd rather go somewhere else, I'd rather go talk to someone else, I'd rather go home.” Be clear.

I feel like if you do isolate yourself, if you don't go to the party, it's almost like making our sobriety something to be ashamed of.

You're like, "I can't go because I'm ashamed of the fact that I don't drink." Whereas actually, like you said, it's so important you go, speak with people, have fun. Try to hang out with people that you know, for a fact, can handle their drinks. Cause if you can do that, then it's fine. And everybody has a good time, and it's perfect. You can have those moments.

But if, and we all know, that one guy, we all know that one girl that will push it too far, then it's like, "Should I really go out with them then?"

S: Is there anything else you'd like to share about sobriety?

J: Just be honest with yourself. You don't know if everybody around you can handle their liquor. As you grow up, you start caring less and less about what people think of you anyway. So any extra substance that you use is just gonna disconnect you from the reality of who you are, and that's not necessarily a good thing.

Time is precious, and reducing the amount of alcohol I have in it really changed my life in a good way.

I went from being anxious about what I’ve done or said last night/having to face my friends/colleagues tomorrow to “I can't wait." And sometimes I wake up before the sun is up, and I'm like, "Look at that. I'm already up and out and I feel great!"

There's a whole world, there's a whole universe, literally, things that you have no idea exist to be discovered.

People who think that the weekend is made for drinking, it’s such a waste. But hey, what can I say? Oh, and by the way, if in case that's not enough, you save a lot of cash if you don't drink!

Note from me to Jerome: thank you for everything.

thank you Jerome

What‘s been playing 🎶

Some French music I’ve been playing this week!

What’s been cooking 👩🏼‍🍳

• Rosemary and tomato focaccia

• Ricotta with hot honey, chilli and crispy fried garlic

• Lemon posset brûlée

• Raspberry macarons with a white chocolate raspberry ganache (attempt number 1 at macarons) (Claire Saffitz recipe of course)

• strawberry spoon cake (a way to rescue some very sad looking berries)

• Tomato galette with a shrimp and beet salad

• Lemon and chocolate macarons (attempt number 2)

• prawn summer rolls with a spicy peanut dipping sauce

• lemon tart with lime zest and strawberries (this recipe!)

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I hope you enjoyed this interview style as I personally did! It uncovered a lot from just sitting and hearing Jerome’s perspective. If you have any questions you’d like me to ask let me know!

Just remember, it’s okay if you’re the only one not drinking. 

See you next Sunday! 🩷

Sophie 

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