This week’s newsletter will be a little shorter as well as a little irregular. I’m in Sicily with my mum and staying off my laptop. I’m currently on a beach, doing my absolute best to avoid burning (and failing as I do every year) while being deep in thought about who I once was. Stay if you’d like, and tell me what you’d say to your younger self.
We’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on recent years. Our relationships. My decision to quit drinking (always a fun topic of conversation for a holiday). My time in London since flying the nest. My desire to leave London and fly far far away. What our respective mother-daughter futures hold. I’ve been emotional as I was told I should be proud of myself for the changes I have made, but not to be frustrated with my strive for perfection. Being told “I am proud of you” to me is one of the highest possible compliments. To make someone proud is a real honour, so I take this seriously and it normally makes me cry.
Having made a conscious decision to try to remove toxicity from my life, either in the form of drinking or bad habits, and my recognition of the poisonous toll alcohol can have on health, growth, and relationships, as well as a fervorous desire to heal from my past trauma, I want to write to my younger self.
I could pinpoint an exact time roughly 3 years ago, but honestly, I’d go back to any point where I was stuck, lost, unsure of myself and desperately trying to be someone I wasn’t. These moments were common and frankly, I needed to hear this many times. These are notes I would leave to comfort someone I cannot see or touch. To say the things I wish I could’ve said to make better decisions and avoid mistakes. To say to my former self who may not listen, but would probably like to think it could be true one day.
Dear Sophie,
No future is perfect but yours looks bright and full of reasons to smile.
I know you are weary of pretending to be someone you’re not. That weight will lift once you stop trying.
Your forced smile will find its authenticity and you will laugh harder and more often than you could expect.
Your intense desire for love and acceptance will be met but not by anyone in your life right now.
You don’t need to buy people drinks to earn their affection. You can just be yourself.
Don’t listen to the people who don’t have your best interests at heart, they simply like that you are lost.
Be kinder and not so resentful. Don’t join in by shaming someone for a life you yearn for. It’s unfair and you don’t mean it.
Stop trying to manipulate things you have no control over. Instead, look inward and see what is within your grasp.
Time is not on anyone’s side and we all see time tick equally so cherish the people around you that matter, not the people that are fleeting.
You don’t need to be drunk to find friendship, it’s hindering your connections. You also don’t need to drink to find love, it could risk the future you so desire.
True love is coming and you must always put that first, never the glass.
It will hurt so much more before it gets better. The pain is a sign of growth.
You won’t spend your weeks filled with regret and the weight of your mistakes dragging you down. You won’t lie in bed feeling you have no reason to leave it.
You will find meaning and purpose in your life and the feeling of worthlessness will ebb away eventually.
The numbness you seek will be replaced with real emotion. You will find tranquillity in time spent being by yourself, not resentment.
It will be a privilege to move your body, not a punishment.
Trauma doesn’t define you but unlearning takes time.
Patience. Happiness is coming.
You will be proud of the person you are.
Just remove the rosé coloured glasses.
I promise I’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming next week with a Sicily round-up. I’m very eager to chat with you about birthdays as mine is coming up in less than 2 weeks!
Just remember, it’s okay if you’re the only one not drinking.
See you next Sunday! 🩷
Sophie
"It will hurt so much more before it gets better". So truee 🥲
Thank you for sharing! Amazing words. I can relate.