Shamelessly sober (or trying to be)
Just say no to sobriety shame and how to break the news that you’ve quit drinking
Hey friends! Happy sober Sunday. Making an unexpected change to our life can evoke unsolicited opinions from those around us, even judgement in some cases. Whether it’s going vegan, joining a running club, cutting off your hair, or quitting drinking alcohol, there can be backlash.
After deciding to quit drinking at 26 and being sober for almost 800 days, I’ve seen a fair share of reactions spread across from friends, family, coworkers, or nondescript acquaintances. I’ve also wrestled internally with my own shame or insecurities over admitting to the world I was so incredibly anxious that I needed to wave goodbye to the liquid crutch that was alcohol.
So let’s talk about sobriety and shame, for anyone who’s already quit, thinking about quitting, or just wants to go for dinner with friends and unapologetically and unashamedly decline the 2 for 1 cocktail happy hour and just get sparkling water instead. Alcohol seems to hold such power over us as the one ‘drug’ that can be seen as impolite to turn down. People can actually take offence if we don’t share a drink with them, and god forbid we are ever rude by opting for water. The audacity!
My sobriety shame reared its head from a place of failure and feeling different. I was incapable of being ‘normal’. There would be no more bonding over after-work drinks or silly giggly wine nights with girlfriends or drunken conversations about hypothetical future scenarios with my partner as we scarf down pizza. As a previous severe sufferer of FOMO, the first 6-12 months of sobriety involved a lot of shame.
While a lot of friends showed kindness and support, which I will forever be grateful for, others that were closer to me conveyed an unexpected sense of disdain. There were clipped comments at social events, implying I was doing it only to please my boyfriend, or questioning how long this ‘phase would last’. All, unintentionally or not, made me feel small, weak and ashamed. I would watch others around me get progressively drunker, letting slip gossip they weren’t supposed to tell from best friends who weren’t supposed to speak about me like that. I would see tension bubbling up between their respective partners, or even full-on tears over situations I couldn’t quite comprehend. Then the next day, all would be forgotten, or at least swept under the rug.
My shame about my own sobriety began to ebb away as I grew confidence in my own self and found a circle of truly positive people who didn’t care if I wasn’t drinking and instead wanted to learn more about me. I reconnected with friends who wouldn’t allow me to feel sobriety shame and asked instead for advice on how they could cut back too, or shared how their own anxiety would diminish the less they drank.
We only have control on how we behave and our own decisions, not on how others perceive us. By breaking out of a box that some people want to put us in, doesn’t mean we have to crawl back in because they don’t like this new version. I wrote last week about how some people fear we will judge them for continuing to drink just because we’ve decided to quit, and while yes we shouldn’t judge or try to push our choice on the unwilling, we shouldn’t feel ashamed that we are making a choice to prioritise our wellbeing.
How to tell others we’re quitting drinking
So now we’ve spoken about shame, I think it’s helpful to share how to tell those around us we’re no longer drinking. In the spirit of no judgement, this can be a tricky one to navigate to share news without implying any negativity. For some of you, telling those around you can feel daunting and can even be preventing you from taking the next step. As someone who wasn’t battling an alcohol addiction or needed rehab, I initially leapt to the assumption that everyone I told would think I was, causing me to feel I had to over-explain my self.
Try to be honest and own it.
When I first quit, I was still struggling with actually saying I’d quit, instead I’d come up with various reasons why I wasn’t drinking. Either I didn’t feel well, or I was driving, or up early the next day. All were excuses for what I was too afraid to say aloud. It just feels icky to white lie and delays having the inevitable conversation.
This is not breaking news.
The larger of a deal you make the news to them, the larger of a reaction they will feel they need to have to it. We may feel like it’s breaking news and everyone must be gathered! and hushed! and immediately gasp! with their hands clutching their pearls as you deliver this life changing decision. But, best to just give the update and move past it.
Open the floor to questions but you can decide which to answer.
If your best friend wants to know all the details, this may lead to a long discussion where you can share your hopes and fears, but if it’s an acquaintance or coworker, you may want to keep it brief. It can feel quite cathartic to speak about the why, and you may also want to couple it with any other choices you’re making to improve your health. This can also help people to understand your ‘why’ and avoid the confused furrowed brows as they contemplate why you’d give up your crisp glass of Pinot Grigio.
Pick the right setting.
The first time I told my mum I’d be abstaining completely from alcohol, I pretty much blurted it out when we were on the plane going on holiday where these typically would be filled with beachside cocktails, wine with dinner, and the occasional shot in the evening if we were feeling particularly vivacious. I probably could have picked a better time and place.
Don’t expect the same from them, and make this clear.
Back to me and mum on the plane, I did say I didn’t expect her to be a sober Sally too and that she shouldn’t feel like she couldn’t drink around me. It’s in some people’s kind nature when they hear this news to feel like drinking around you is rude and leading you into temptation. If you do feel uncomfortable around alcohol when you’re trying to quit, it’s okay to say that and have that conversation. Likewise, if you’re fine with it, say it too. Only you can know this, the other person may not be so sure.
Expect, and welcome, any surprises.
As I said, I’ve told quite a few people ranging from best friends also in their twenties to my darling 93 year old granny (and of course, hey all of you on the internet). I’ve received confused persistent questioning and had drinks pushed in my face, as though this would change my mind. But I’ve had people both younger and significantly older than me opening up, saying they wish they had made the same decision at my age, or they were actively considering it too. You realise you’re far from alone, even if you are the only one not drinking.
What‘s been playing 🎶
Please, Please Please by Sabrina Carpenter: Much like the rest of the internet, I’ve had this song stuck in my head all week, much to the displeasure of my partner as I only sing that one line…
Check out my 2024 playlist for a wide mixture of songs ready to get stuck in your head all day.
The Guest by Emma Cline: I saw this recommended by a few Substackers so it’s been playing on walks and while I cook or clean. I definitely enjoyed its chaos but was left slightly unsatisfied by the ending.
Can I also get your honest opinion, do you consider listening to books via Audible/Spotify the same as actually reading? I’m a big audiobook lover for when I’m out for walks or doing chores, but I’ve seen split opinions on whether this is valued the same as sitting down to read the book…
What I’ve been wearing (or wish I was) 🛍️
Just my wish list this week:
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Jacquemus Le Rond Carré (La Casa collection)
What products I’m loving 🧖🏼♀️
Wholegrain mustard: You may be asking, ‘Sophie, why are you recommending one of the most basic condiments?!’ and I’ll tell you. Reason one, I am basic. Reason two, I don’t remember the last time I bought mustard. I needed it last week to make a remoulade and have since used it to liven up a tuna salad and a dipping sauce for smashed crispy potatoes. So yes, I am unapologetically loving mustard.
La Roche-Posay Effaclar Duo+ Unifiant: I’ve been mixing this with primer for a really light base as I try to look presentable for my own reflection in Zoom.
What’s been cooking 👩🏼🍳
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Loaded sweet potato with Beyond Meat mince, corn and peppers
Smashed crispy potatoes, baked lemon pollock, and Italian salad
Black bean and sweet potato quesadillas, smashed avocado, and cod fillets with lemon and parsley
Baked salmon with asparagus sautéed in butter and garlic over smashed crispy potatoes and a lemon and dill yoghurt sauce
Basque cheesecake with homemade cherry jam
Strawberries and cream cake (recipe here)
Dinners feel really special to me at the moment. I’ve done intermittent fasting on and off since about 2019, so while fasting is not new, for the past couple of weeks I’ve tried having only fruit, either in its solid form or blended in a smoothie, until around 4pm. This is simply a cut to see how this impacts my regular workouts, and then have a giant feast at dinnertime. The jury is still out on if I like this.
It means less cooking, so sadly, less practice. Dinners now feel like they must shine. I lie in bed sifting through Pinterest, TikTok, and Substack for inspiration for what to cook the following evening. I put on music and lay the table with cutlery, napkins, and candles (if I can find some). To me, it’s an occasion.
For those of you who don’t know, I started a new job this week. So far loving it, but I am exhausted. My introverted self needs recovery from the overstimulation of new names, faces, and information, that I desperately require my partner, some cheesecake, and Gilmore Girls.
I also really need to watch Practical Magic as people have been losing their minds about a sequel and I feel left out.
Just remember, it’s okay if you’re the only one not drinking.
See you next Sunday! 🩷
Sophie
Fellow non-drinker here! I've never been a big drinker, but I stopped drinking in March 2020 and never looked back. Best decision ever. Love it here!! Go you, go us. 💛
I quit as I had to. It was killing me and I was very ill indeed. But that was 13 years ago, and I have changed my life completely. I'm also a Vegan - I find more people find my veganism hard to deal with than the sobriety. Mainly because I don't hang out where drunk people are haha.
My partner, I met while sober, and he is happy to have no alcohol in the house and neither of my adult children like the taste of alcohol. For me, alcohol is just not a part of my world.
My world is so much better for it!
Looking forward to reading more of your writing.