When we need our inner monologue to be quiet
A week spent in Sicily, recommendations for your summer fits, and let's put pistachio on everything
Hey friends! I don’t know about you but I always feel I need a day or two to get back into my rhythm after a holiday - so I really don’t know how frequent travellers do it. Between the laundry, catching up on work emails, and getting back into my gym routine, I feel so behind on life. After one week away. Pathetic I know. But I’m back!
Connecting with my mum for a week just the two of us is always very important to me, and despite the hilarious drunken memories of tequila shots and sloppy wine-drunk pictures, it’s felt more meaningful as I’ve gotten older to be present for every conversation. I can open up my heart with concerns or hopes or fears and know I’m aware of every word, rather than spilling out a drunken rant that could be misunderstood or not quite remembered correctly by either of us the next day. Likewise, I can hear her and listen, rather than consumed by an internal dilemma if I should order a Pina Colada or Sex on the Beach.
Unsurprisingly, I noticed I was the only adult in the hotel and restaurants who would be at meals not drinking. Couples and friends shared bottles of wine and clinked beer bottles while me and the other kids slurped cans of diet coke and fanta. I sensed some confusion from waiters by looking grown enough to drink, but on holiday with mum and refusing the offer of wine. Especially by also being English and, as we discussed, they famously love a drink.
After this probably being our 10th holiday away together (possibly more, I’ve lost count), she’s seen me at some of my darker times as these types of holidays always involve reflections on where we are currently in our lives, as well as where our futures are heading. Over the years, I’ve discussed painful breakups with boyfriends and friends, work troubles, school struggles, flatmate worries, and feeling lost in the world. There can be bonding moments where we connect on shared experiences, opinions of others, and desires to improve ourselves. There can also be moments of sharing our frustrations with ourselves.
Holding up a mirror
I would love to say that since I’ve quit alcohol and tried to focus on my health, I am immune to negative self-talk or anxiety, but IMO no one can make you see this more than the women closest to you. While I was away I spotted the frustrating traits that seem like a constant battle to shake; body image and negativity. Now, on a beach in a resort with my mum while knowing I have a job, home, and partner to come home to, it seems like the negativity is completely inexplicable. But there also seems a continuous feeling of perfectionism that always seems out of reach which drives this negative self-talk and I get these flashes of a cruel inner monologue.
I won’t even isolate this as a female thing as I know we can’t disregard that it’s rare for anyone to be free from body image doubt. But there seems to be a continuous journey we need to be on in order to gain true love with ourselves. This journey feels far from linear. In the wise words of RuPaul “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”. Even after exercising 5 to 6 times a week, eating healthy 80% of the time, and shunning drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, I still felt unhealthy. A sense of my body being lacklustre or inadequate. I’d find myself criticising a minute aspect of my appearance where it should only be a time to relax.
I moved between mirrors and different lighting, obsessed over angles, scrolled Pinterest for inspiration, and accidentally finding myself on edtwt because I’d liked one too many pictures of extremely slender ‘pilates princesses’. All the while I’d be telling my mum how she needed to see how beautiful she was. We may feel empowered to give advice and uplift our friends and mothers on their beauty, but I realise how terrible I can be at hearing these things myself. Seeing the people we love speak negatively about themselves as they yank their temples and jawlines upwards or squeeze their tummy flesh can spark both sadness and frustration as we wish we saw them through our eyes. 5 minutes pass and we’re facing a mirror prodding or poking or squeezing something of our body.
There seems some irony to one of the strong connections my mum and I share being the negative self-talk where both of us call out the other one for doing so. “You should love yourself!” “Well you should love YOURSELF!” By no means is this isolated to us, it goes back generations. My generation and those younger than me which have always known the internet and grown up with social media means we’ve had so much access to comparing ourselves with other women’s bodies. We’ve watched the Victoria’s Secret Angels be cast aside for body positivity at any size, and then swiftly a lot of the same fuller figured celebs preaching health and fitness came back with suspiciously thin ozempic builds. Super skinny is back to being the hot trend (although I don’t think it ever really left). But to desire this level of thinness goes completely against my reasoning to remove alcohol from my life. For me, it was a necessity to prioritise my physical and mental health.
My focus on health and sobriety cannot be so intertwined with a feeling of immense failure if my body doesn’t meet the expectations I’ve put on it, yet it keeps me moving, breathing, active, and healthy! - (said so well by Emma Thompson). I want to ensure I’m practising what I preach by being conscious of my diet and workout routine, while not looking to others for their results but instead focusing on my own. I want to strive for improvement but not perfectionism.
My beach read recommendations
Two weeks ago, I gave you three beach read recommendations which are each memoirs involving sobriety. They’re hard to put down and full of emotion. This week, I’m sharing the books I read while away that are not focused on sobriety but I believe you’ll also enjoy:
Brat by Gabriel Smith - This I found through Kaia Gerber’s book club Library Science (which I think I found through Substack lol). A unique and spooky read which isn’t what I usually go for but definitely recommend!
Diary of an Oxygen Thief by Anonymous - I bought this book at Spitalfields Market more than a year ago but finally read it. Again, not my usual read but I found myself so eager to get through it to find out what happens next!
Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi - Immediately texted my partner after finishing it imploring him to read it when I get home. I think everyone has experienced loss or regretted staying silent and not sharing our feelings so each story that’s intertwined with the other has an important outcome that struck a chord.
Close Range: Wyoming Stories by Annie Proulx - I loved the style of writing and tone that really conjures the image of each tale. I also did not know Brokeback Mountain was based on a short story from this collection so it was great to read after loving the movie so much.
As for audiobooks, I still am listening to Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin and Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors.
Birthday anxiety
My birthday is on Tuesday and I’m going for the most lowkey celebration ever of working during the day and a cosy dinner at home with my partner - I have my heart set on lobster mac and cheese. I dislike the pressure of birthdays and for me, it’s always felt anxiety-inducing. I’ll talk about this more next week but I’m interested in anyone who is sober, or considering quitting drinking alcohol, does an upcoming birthday feel like a trigger or concern? I think we can be expected to have big celebrations or parties involving alcohol so by opting to not drink, it’s not properly celebrating.
What‘s been playing 🎶
Zach Bryan’s new album came out on the 4th which was very exciting for me so that’s been playing a lot!
The fact I am an anxious person shouldn’t be lost on you and I’m always looking for new ways to self-soothe. Since about 2020, I have loved ASMR for relaxation and better sleep but I’ve got into the habit recently of playing it while I work (Gibi ASMR in particular). There’s minimal distraction from the sounds but it helps me work calmly and I think more focused. I have also tried bird sounds… both are pretty delightful.
What I’ve been wearing 🛍️
Abercrombie linen dress (on sale!)
Zara tulle leopard print top and Ralph Lauren red satin skirt
Zara black backless top (similar one here)
Reformation green dress (similar one here)
What products I’m loving 🧖🏼♀️
Clinique Moisture Surge - sun, planes, sea air, all contribute to my dry skin so if you feel the same, try this.
Piz Buin After Sun - I have fair skin and am so prone to burning so I LATHER this on (even after plenty of sunscreen of course) but it’s super soothing and no overpowering fragrance.
What’s been cooking 👩🏼🍳
A mix of food made at home and some wonderful Sicilian chefs’ food:
Octopus and mushroom (I wish I could explain this better but I have no idea what was in it, it just tasted good)
Squid with tempura shrimp and vegetables (see my comment above)
Prawn linguine
Squid with a pistachio crust and radicchio
Lemon and blueberry loaf (recipe here) with a lemon and lime glaze and candied lemons
Pistachio cookies with a pistachio creme filling (made by my partner with the creme I brought home for him from Sicily)
If you’re one of my lovely readers who are based in America, then I hope you had a wonderful 4th of July weekend and got to celebrate in the sunshine!
My weekend has been a wonderful blend of a dinner party with friends, working out, horror movie night (please go watch Mandy, it’s visually beautiful and terrifying at the same time), and baking.
Just remember, it’s okay if you’re the only one not drinking.
See you next Sunday! 🩷
Sophie
Loved this - I also don’t drink and going on holiday soon. My biggest anxiety was not having control of my mind and having huge anxiety, so I’m hoping that going away without the anxiety of having a drink will mean this is one of the most relaxing holidays yet! I also completely understand what you mean about the birthday thing - I had a super quiet birthday this year and didn’t want the pressure of a big celebration. It actually ended up being a really lovely, special day with just my closest and really helped me to hone in on what’s important to me. I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating! Also, your holiday wardrobe is stunning!!
This is always what I imagined to be the most challenging part, honestly. Vacations get so defined by alcohol in western life that it's hard to imagine them without it